i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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