just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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