u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
