You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
