her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
