i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
