She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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