just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
