All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
