I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
