Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
