I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
