When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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