WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
