I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
