i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
