THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
