I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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