: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
