I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
