im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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