i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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