Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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