Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
