Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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