i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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