according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
