Don't make out with my wife yet
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
