I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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