What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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