Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
