omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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