He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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