please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
