How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
