Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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