do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
