You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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