I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
