my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
