So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
she smelled like a LAN party
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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