I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
