if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
pop tarts are not kleenex
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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