Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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