You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
