just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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