ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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