Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
