Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
