i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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